Gender

I never really liked the street definitions of gender. I never wanted to be a tomboy, but I have masculine traits. I sometimes wish I were born male. I’ve always felt that way. I’m not a lesbian. How you would prefer to identify and which you’re attracted to are two different things.

In fact, I am not attracted to the female form. Could be why I’ve always been so modest. I have a hard time believing that others could find me attractive, even when I’m in good shape.

At some point l stopped suggesting that I be Batman or Superman in games we kids played. I hid it. I’m not transgender, I would not define myself that way, but it leans that way. It is like saying I am a gay man in a woman’s body, but it’s more like a tendency. I don’t want an operation, even if I had unlimited funds. I would say I often think I would have wanted to be born male, the real thing. But I am in many ways, a typical girl and that must come from my genetics. But in other ways I am untypical. I sometimes get confused for male when on the phone with customer service agents of my credit card company etc. And it pisses me off, just because I’m already quite possibly pissed off when I call them.

“I’m not a sir!”

“I’m very sorry ma’am.”

“Does Rye sound like a boy’s name?” (actually with Rye you probably can’t tell, but, Rye isn’t my real name).

I’ve wanted to be a guy anyway. But when I was very young I was sometimes teased because I looked or acted like a boy, and so I’m still a little sensitive about it. Now it’s not that I don’t want to be masculine, it’s that I don’t like the way the suggestion had made me hide a part of who I am. And now I’m trying to coax him back out. The guy I have treated badly, suppressing like there is something wrong with him.

So here’s the difference between me and someone who wants to have surgery. I presume that he would probably feel like a guy, stuck in the wrong body, so when he gets himself corrected, he can believe in it and feel normal. I don’t feel like I am a guy, just that I’d probably prefer it if I were. So it would still feel fake to me. And I wouldn’t be able to pull it off, and would end up clouding the whole authenticity thing. I would be neither. So in other words, nothing would change. Rather, I would prefer to be free to embrace my masculine side, and to admit that I have one. I can live with my body as it is, if I can just be honest. I honestly think it isn’t about the physical. Because I’m both, we’re all both. I have masculine traits for sure. But genetically, it’s not just my body that’s female. It’s my brain too. I have personality traits that are more typical of girls and if I were suddenly male, I would have feminine traits. Now,if I could switch back and forth, that would be the super power I would want, even over indestructibility and super strength. Selfish, I know.

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2 thoughts on “Gender

  1. This resonated with me. I’ve always been a bit of a “tom boy” and felt add odds with being born a girl. I’ve always felt I would have preferred to have been a boy. Not in the “oh god periods are so annoying” way that my other girlfriends get from time to time. But in a much more fundamental way. I did “boys” subjects at uni so nearly all my friends were boys and I always slotted right in, never felt uncomfortable. Now we’re getting older I have to endure the insult of being the only one that doesn’t get to go on their stag parties, even though I was never missing from nights out before. It’s stuff like this that I guess creates the discrepancy, amongst other more subtle things. However I’ve never felt like I am a boy or want to be one now because like you say that isn’t honest either. I wonder if for people like us, it’s just the boxes which society insists on rather than anything physical?

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    1. Thanks for the comment. I’ve heard it said that “gender is a social construct,” and I find that interesting. Here, where we are really only a mind, and our bodies are almost irrelevant, are we still bound by it? Would it be a lie if I wrote as a man?

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