They Will Learn

All I’ve ever wanted out of life was to relax and to like myself. I wish I realized that earlier in life, but it is what it is. If you know what you want, you can work towards getting it. But if you don’t know, then you keep making the same mistakes over again. Some people relax and they don’t even have to try. Then there’s people like me. Most of the time I don’t even know I’m not relaxed. I even forget sometimes that I don’t like myself. It reveals itself, often in my darkest moments, as something obvious. Am I in the majority here? Or is that strange?

The question we, and I’m not talking to the happy ones now, have to ask ourselves is what do we need to be, to be someone we are proud of? Seriously, lose weight? Then do it. I’m actually working on that myself, and making progress and feeling better about myself. Sounds cliche, but it didn’t start out about weight. Because I just feel better if I eat well and if I eat less. And then I realized that I feel better when I have less fat. And then after that I realized that I also like to look good.

But its not superficial like it sounds, cause when I feel good, that also makes me more focused, my mind is clear, and doing things that are physically taxing is also easier. I can feel inflammation these days. If I eat poorly, I feel the inflammation. It is hard going hungry, hard not snacking when there’s nothing else to do, but at those times when you have something to distract you from it, after you have been good, you just perform so much better, whatever it is. The discipline is paying off, so far.

Spoiler alert if you haven’t watched all of the Gilmore Girls yet. I just got to the episode where Rory loses her virginity. It’s the same episode where Lorelai and Luke finally find each other and start dating. The series has been setting both of those up for seasons, so they both had the potential to be real let downs. but the way they juxtaposed them both in the same episode was very well done. Lorelai’s went perfectly, it was nice and sweet and wasn’t, in the end, fraught with misunderstandings and frustration (I almost want to stop watching now in case they screw it up). For Rory, despite two hot and heavy boyfriends she just never did it. They set up the climax (so to speak) perfectly and in the end, I think more dramatically than any other way they could have done it. It catapulted Rory into womanhood, not because she finally (I say finally like I wasn’t older than her) had sex, but because she did it in a way she will likely always regret. That defines adulthood, to me, more than anything, that we all must learn to live with our regrets.

I regret almost everything. It’s stupid, I know, I didn’t say I wasn’t stupid. I freely admit that. I think if I could relax, and if I could like myself, I wouldn’t make so many mistakes. I miss youth mostly not because I want to be thin, or pretty, or healthy, or full of potential, or even to heal fast, but because I want do overs. That look of wisdom and experience you might see in my eye sometime as I behold the children in my life, comes from knowing that mistakes and regrets are what age you. What they don’t know, and what they don’t learn from us, they will learn the hard way. That’s the way it is.

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